Why Do I Feel Guilty When I Set Boundaries?

You say no to something because you simply don’t have the time, energy or capacity for it.

You know it is the right decision for you. Perhaps saying yes would leave you exhausted, overwhelmed or resentful.

But afterwards you feel awful.

I feel so guilty.

I’m being selfish.

I should probably just do it.

But before you decide that what you are feeling is guilt, it might be worth stopping for a moment.

Is it actually guilt?

Be careful what you call guilt

Guilt usually tells us that we believe we have done something wrong.

So when we immediately say “I feel guilty”, we can unintentionally turn a feeling into a judgement:

I feel guilty → I have done something wrong → I am selfish.

But perhaps what you are actually experiencing is anxiety, fear or dread.

Maybe you are worried they will be disappointed. Perhaps you are frightened they will be angry, think badly of you or see you as selfish. Or maybe there is simply an uncomfortable feeling that comes with knowing somebody else isn’t happy with your decision.

Those feelings are real, but they don’t necessarily mean you have done anything wrong.

You may simply have put a boundary in place to protect your physical or emotional wellbeing.

Discomfort is not the same thing as guilt.

Why does saying no feel so bad?

It can be useful to look at how boundaries were managed when you were growing up.

What happened when you were sad and needed an adult’s time and attention?

What happened when you were angry? Was there space to understand and process your feelings, or did you learn that some feelings were unacceptable?

What happened when you didn’t want to do something? Was your “no” listened to and respected?

What happened when you had needs that were inconvenient to somebody else?

Our early experiences can teach us a great deal about whether it feels safe to have needs, disappoint people, take up space or say no.

If your boundaries weren’t respected, or if love and approval seemed to depend upon being easy, helpful, agreeable or not causing problems, it makes sense that having boundaries as an adult might feel uncomfortable.

That doesn’t mean the boundary is wrong.

Before you undo the boundary, get curious

If you feel bad after putting a boundary in place, rather than immediately changing your mind, try working out why.

Was I unkind?

Was I unnecessarily harsh or mean?

Did I behave in a way that goes against what I believe to be true about myself and my values?

If the answer is yes, perhaps there is something for you to own or do differently. Having boundaries doesn’t give us permission to treat other people badly.

But what if the answer is no?

Perhaps you were kind. Perhaps you explained what you needed. Perhaps the only thing you did was disappoint somebody.

That’s different.

Feeling anxious about somebody’s reaction does not mean that you have done something wrong.

What would you think if a friend said it?

Imagine a friend said to you:

“I really appreciate the invitation, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to say no this time. If that disappoints you, I’m sorry. It’s not personal; I just don’t have the capacity for it at the moment.”

Would you think they were selfish or unreasonable?

Or might you actually think:

I wish I could do that.

We can often respect boundaries in other people while judging ourselves terribly for having exactly the same ones.

So if you are telling yourself you are selfish, try turning it around:

If a friend told me they didn’t have the capacity to do what I’ve just said no to, would I think they were selfish?

If you would show them understanding, why shouldn’t the same understanding apply to you?

Boundaries don’t have to be harsh

There is a lot of advice around boundaries that makes them sound like something we announce and then walk away from.

But relationships are more nuanced than that.

We can say no while still recognising that another person has feelings.

You might say:

“I know you’d really like me to drive you to hospital and I’m sorry I can’t help this time, but I just don’t have the capacity.”

Or perhaps:

“I can’t do it this time, but in future I’d really appreciate it if you could ask someone local first and then come to me if you’re stuck.”

A boundary doesn’t always have to be “No. End of discussion.”

Where it is safe and appropriate, we can talk things through. We can explain. We can acknowledge somebody’s disappointment.

We can be caring without abandoning what we need.

Being boundaried and being kind are not opposites.

Someone else’s disappointment isn’t proof that your boundary was wrong

People are allowed to feel disappointed when we say no.

They might wish we had made a different decision.

But their disappointment doesn’t automatically mean we should change our minds.

People who care about us and our wellbeing should be able to respect a reasonable boundary that protects our physical or emotional health, even if it isn’t the answer they wanted.

And perhaps this is the part that takes practice.

Not learning how to say no without feeling anything at all, but learning to notice what happens inside you afterwards.

I’m anxious.

I’m worried they’re disappointed.

I’m frightened they’ll think I’m selfish.

I want to say yes now just to make this feeling go away.

Instead of immediately trying to get rid of that feeling, can you sit with it for a little while?

Can you remind yourself why you needed the boundary in the first place?

Can you allow somebody else to be disappointed without taking their disappointment as evidence that you have done something wrong?

Discomfort is not the same thing as guilt.

Sometimes the discomfort is simply what it feels like to begin including yourself in decisions when you have spent a long time putting everybody else first.

Counselling and boundaries

If saying no feels frightening, selfish or almost impossible, counselling can give us space to understand why.

Rather than simply learning a few phrases for “better boundaries”, we can explore how your needs and boundaries were responded to earlier in life, what you fear might happen when you disappoint someone now, and why taking care of yourself can bring up such powerful feelings.

Sometimes the work isn’t simply learning how to set a boundary.

It’s learning that you are allowed to have one.