Perhaps one of the most common things I hear is,
"We're not even sure if we're bad enough for counselling."
The truth is, there is no point at which a relationship becomes "bad enough". Couples counselling is not reserved for relationships that are falling apart. In fact, many couples wait far longer than they need to.
By the time many people contact me, they are not necessarily shouting every day or living separately. Often they are sitting next to each other on the sofa, yet both feel completely alone.
One or both partners begin to wonder:
"How can the person I love be right beside me and yet not seem to understand me?"
That feeling of loneliness within a relationship is often what finally prompts someone to reach out.
It is rarely about what you are arguing about
One of the phrases I often use in sessions is,
"It is not about the washing up."
Or the dishwasher.
Or the remote control.
Or who forgot to buy milk.
Those things might start the argument, but they are rarely what the argument is truly about.
Underneath are often much more vulnerable questions.
Do I matter to you?
Do you still choose me?
Do you understand how hurt I feel?
When those needs remain unseen, the same argument keeps repeating itself in different disguises.
Couples counselling is not about changing your partner
Many people arrive hoping I will help their partner change.
That is not really how I see my role.
Often the person you fell in love with has not changed as much as it feels they have. Life has become busier. Stress has increased. Children arrive. Work changes. Family responsibilities grow. Over time, we begin to interpret each other's actions differently and make assumptions about what they mean.
We can start believing our partner does not care, when actually they may have no idea what we are needing from them.
Part of our work together is helping each of you understand your own needs first, before expecting your partner to meet them.
Because if we do not fully understand what we need ourselves, it becomes incredibly difficult to communicate it clearly.
We cannot expect our partner to stop triggering us
People sometimes say,
"If only they stopped doing that, everything would be fine."
Whilst it is important to become more thoughtful towards one another, lasting change often comes from a different place.
Rather than simply asking our partner to stop triggering us, we become curious about why that reaction exists.
What makes that moment so painful?
What does it remind us of?
What fear sits underneath it?
Once we understand that ourselves, we can begin sharing it in a way our partner is much more likely to hear.
Not through blame.
Not through criticism.
But through honesty and vulnerability.
Most couples come later than they needed to
If I could encourage couples to do one thing differently, it would be to come sooner.
By the time many couples arrive, years of hurt have built up.
Resentment has become entrenched.
Arguments have become predictable.
Sometimes there is even contempt or dislike, which can make it much harder to reconnect.
Yet even then, it is often not as hopeless as it feels.
As we begin slowing conversations down, many couples discover something surprising.
The things they blamed entirely on their partner were not always entirely their partner's responsibility.
Sometimes they had never really explained what they needed.
Sometimes they assumed their partner should simply know.
Sometimes they themselves had never stopped to ask,
"What do I actually need?"
It takes commitment from both people
Couples counselling is not a quick fix.
It takes time.
Patience.
Practice.
And a willingness for both people to look at themselves, not just each other.
There is individual work as well as relationship work.
The couples who make the greatest progress are usually not the ones who never struggle.
They are the ones who stay curious, even when it feels uncomfortable.
Is it ever too late?
People often ask me whether I can save their relationship.
My answer is always that it depends on how motivated both people are to change.
Are you both willing to keep showing up, even when the conversations become difficult?
Are you prepared to understand yourself as well as your partner?
Is there still love somewhere beneath the hurt?
If there is, I rarely believe it is too late.
What is the aim of couples counselling?
People sometimes think the goal is to stop arguing.
I do not think that is the goal.
The aim is to create enough emotional safety that both people can share what is happening underneath the arguments.
To feel understood.
To feel cared for.
To feel connected again.
It is not about deciding who is right or wrong.
It is about asking,
"What is best for our relationship?"
When couples finish working with me, I do not expect them to have a perfect relationship.
I hope something much more realistic than that.
I hope they leave feeling committed to continuing the work, understanding themselves more deeply, and trying every day to be the best partner they can be.
Because every one of us deserves to feel loved, desired and emotionally safe within our relationship.
If you are looking for couples counselling in Thame, Aylesbury, Haddenham, Chinnor, Princes Risborough, Oxford or the surrounding areas, I offer both in-person and online sessions. If you are unsure whether couples counselling is the right next step, I also offer a free 15-minute introductory call.
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