COUPLES COUNSELLING IN THAME AND ONLINE

You may still love each other very much, but find yourselves having the same arguments again and again. Perhaps you feel more distant than you used to, communication has become difficult, trust has been damaged, or you are questioning whether your relationship can continue.

Sometimes couples come to counselling in crisis. For others, nothing dramatic has happened; they simply know that something between them needs to change.

Couples counselling gives you a space to slow things down and begin to understand not only what you are arguing about, but what happens between you when things become difficult.

My work is not about deciding who is right or wrong. Instead, we look together at the patterns that have developed between you and the part each of you may play in keeping those patterns going. 

One of you may pursue conversation while the other withdraws. You may both become defensive, critical or angry. Perhaps difficult conversations are avoided altogether because neither of you wants another argument.

Often these ways of protecting ourselves make complete sense when we understand where they came from. But they can also leave both partners feeling increasingly alone.

Couples counselling can help you recognise these patterns as they happen and begin to respond differently.

Over time, the work is about helping each of you become better able to:

• say what you really think and feel without attacking or disappearing
• listen without immediately defending yourself
• understand your own reactions and take responsibility for them
• tolerate differences between you without experiencing them as rejection
• repair after conflict
• rebuild emotional and physical connection
• make thoughtful decisions about your relationship rather than decisions made in the heat of distress

I also work with couples following affairs, infidelity or other significant breaches of trust.

Discovering an affair can completely destabilise a relationship. There may be shock, anger, grief, repeated questions and an overwhelming need to understand what has happened.

At this stage, couples often feel pressure to decide immediately whether they are staying together or separating.

You do not have to know that yet.

Counselling can provide a place to understand what has happened, what each of you needs now, and whether trust and connection can gradually be rebuilt.

Not every couple comes to counselling knowing that they want to save their relationship.

You may love each other and still feel uncertain. One of you may want to stay while the other is unsure. Or perhaps you have both reached a point where you genuinely do not know what you want.

There can be value in slowing that decision down.

We can explore what has happened to the relationship, what would need to change for staying together to feel possible, and what each of you needs in order to make a clearer decision.

The aim is not to persuade you to stay together. It is to help you understand yourselves and your relationship well enough to make the decision that is right for you.

Couples counselling can be challenging. We are often looking at patterns that have developed over many years, and meaningful change usually takes time, practice and a willingness from both of you to engage with the work.

For this reason, I usually encourage couples to think about committing to at least six sessions, rather than approaching counselling one session at a time. This gives us time to understand what happens between you, begin working differently and, importantly, notice what happens when you try those changes outside the counselling room.

Simply attending sessions is only part of the work. The couples who tend to get the most from counselling are those who are willing to reflect on their own part in the relationship, practise doing things differently between sessions, and keep going when the work feels difficult.

Six sessions will not resolve every relationship difficulty, and some couples will choose to continue for longer. It is simply a useful starting point that gives the work a chance to gain some momentum.

I offer couples counselling from my private counselling room in Thame, Oxfordshire, as well as online.

Couples come to me from Thame and the surrounding areas of Oxfordshire and Buckinghamshire, including Aylesbury, Haddenham, Princes Risborough and nearby villages.

I usually recommend a 90-minute first session. This gives us enough time to hear from both of you and begin to understand what has brought you to counselling without the session feeling rushed.

Before we meet, I will send each of you a questionnaire to complete separately. It gives you an opportunity to reflect on your relationship and helps me begin to understand each of your perspectives before our first session.

After that, sessions can be 60 or 90 minutes depending on what feels most useful.

You do not need to wait until your relationship is at breaking point.

If something between you is hurting, stuck or becoming increasingly difficult to resolve on your own, we can begin there.

I offer a free 15-minute introductory conversation if you would like to talk briefly about what is happening and whether working together might feel right for you.